2025/11/06 --- I'm lucky. Even if I experienced loss, and it was heartbreaking in itself nonetheless, I feel like I'm more distant from it. Maybe because I do distance myself. Not because I want to... it must be because it's easier. Haven't gone to any cemitery for a long time, it detatchs myself even more. So much hunger and cruelty on the world, I do get lost. I forget my loved ones, dead or alive. I forget they exist. I forget a part of me exists. Living in a city while constantly isolating myself does this, I suppose. Would love to reconnect, but I'm still not sure of when, how and specially why. But I still want someone to hold me as dearly as I want to hold someone dear to me. I'm still lonely.
✴
2025/11/05 --- Thirty three thousand lightning strikes in 24 hours here. I woke up various times with the sound, and while I'm usually afraid of lightning, it felt strangelly conforting. Maybe because I was half sleeping, tired from these draining few days, maybe because it felt like falling clarity. Rays of light that shined their surrounding. Lucidity isn't always calming, it can hurt. Desinfecting a wound, burns and stings but it will heal in time. Just sad I was too comforttable in my bed to actually look at the window and admire such wonder.
✴
2025/11/04 --- I wish this would get easier, I'm trying to keep going and this just started taking motion 4 days ago, but it's already wearing me thin. I see and feel the tiredness in my lover's eyes, bodies getting heavier with worring so much about the possibility of it being so much worse than it is already.
I was quite naïve in the way I went through life. Always feeling untouchable, even when struggling, when facing consequences of my actions. And it won't be be last time I see my recklessness backfire in some way. I should learn to be softer, be less headstrong maybe. Letting the air flow through me and letting myself go with it instead of wanting to stay in a path that no longer suits me.
✴
2025/11/03 --- Wondering about how my life would be if I became a nun like I wanted to be in the 7th grade. I'm not sure What made me drift away from that path, but I still feel a warm feeling thinking about the rose bushes in the monastery garden my aunt still lives in. I have too many earthly desires now and not enough love for God. There's still space for Clare of Assisi and the Holy Mary though, maybe... Maybe one day. Maybe not.
✴
2025/11/02 --- It's cold here. Bedbugs crawling, but none in sight. Plague autumn. Pest fall. Hopefully they'll die with all the fall cleaning. Shorter days, colder nights, shimmering candle lights, hot drinks warming up colder hands and hearts. Yearning to be held, to be warmed by the sunlight that gladly still appears. Mother, I pray for your protection, hold me, shield me from the rudeness of the unknown and the cruelty of the known. A dog barking outside and my hair is still a bit wet. Bright veil falling gracefully in the face of fear, and everything stops. Everything transforms, wrapping around all the curves and fissures of the soul. Feeling finally whole, or at least mended, held in my scars.
✴
2025/11/01 --- Tedious, tiring, but maybe today I'll get back to have a good rhythm... hopefully...
✴
2025/10/31 --- Some of my favorite halloween costumes are only concepts. No personality per se, but there's a representation of the psyche, of nature, of the other. Bonds that couldn't be replaced by a representation of it. I'm sleepy now, see you tomorrow (hopefully).
✴
2025/10/30 --- Did a bit of a pause, I've been drowning myself in media, in stuff, not giving myself the space to think, to create, to write... I mean I did organize a halloween party that threw off the balance, but that happened before that. It happened with playing Magic the Gathering the day after the last entry, we got back home at around 4 AM. It has thrown all the balance. And before that I've been waking up a bit late too. I'll get back to the rhythm. At least I hope so. I'm glad I'm writting today. Wrote the "morning pages". Of course, started in the afternoon but! I did them. Small steps. And tomorrow will be better.
✴
2025/10/24 --- My stomach is decided decided decided to not work as it should. The L word is quite enjoyable. Jenny is crazy. Absolute loser. Love her. Played Magic the Gathering today for the first time. It was nice honestly. Didn't like how I lost though. That's life.
✴
2025/10/23 --- Went out today. Bought 8 postcards, got 31. I went to the Mseum of Dance and Theater, since I saw Cabaret yesterday. I really want to see a musical live one day. But yeah, I also went with the idea of buying postcards, and they ended up offer me a bunch. After that I was leaving and a man asked me if I wanted more free postcards, since a museum that's near that one (The museum of the Costume?) is going to be closed for renovations soon and they are giving away postcards to anyone that goes there and wants them. It was a nice surprise. Hopefully the renovations will go well.
Now I'm watching "the L word" because Alan Cumming's here, but now I also saw Pam Grier and lots of messy relationships. It's being fun.
✴
2025/10/22 --- I'm calling today another rest day, though it just felt like depression mostly. Thinking I won't be able to do anything of value. I don't really want to leave the house. This is a transitory state, but it feels like forever. Am I in an endless loop? Will I ever be able to break free from here?
✴
2025/10/21 --- New moon. Not sure on how much it influenced my mood, but I was certainly moody. I need to explore my potential, be it on music, writting, painting, drawing, making a site, anything. Can't stay idle for much longer... the clock is ticking and my sense of self deteorating in each day of stagnant nothingness.
✴
2025/10/20 --- Today is resting day. I'm resting. Or trying to rest. I feel like I can't create anything, it's awful. I'm tired of feeling like this constantly. Trapped in this nonsense.
✴
2025/10/18 --- It's already 19 but I'm still counting as 18. It's 3 AM after all! Going to go back to sleep, I'm too tired to think.
✴
2025/10/17 --- Getting absolutelly lost through the phone these last few days, trying to gather everything I want to do, everything I want to buy, everything I want to know. Too much stuff. I'm craving the bittersweet embrace of the void, emptyness, space to feel safe, without fear of missing life. I've been trying to catch my breath, but there's always something around the corner. I'm feeling pressure on the right side of the thorax, radiating to my neck and shoulder. I need to rest, and I will, soon.
✴
2025/10/15 --- Feeling like I'm drifting away these last few days. I don't really want to be a functional human being. Spending my days scrolling through OLX, looking at all the oddities I never thought would even exist, daydreaming on what I could do instead of doing. The safety of thought has been quite tempting, specially today. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll have more interest in life outside all things I could have or be.
It's interesting how easily I can ramble here, meanwhile I struggle to gather my thoughts when writing to other people. Always afraid because I only have control on the words I say, what I do, how I react. I can't control the other, I can't be certain on how they'll react, and so I prefer to stay as quiet as I can. I rarely feel at ease when there's people around me, I fear judgement, made to myself or by myself. Sometimes I'm too harsh too, I don't like when that happens. I've been trying to create my own world but it's so lonely in here. I don't really know where I can go. I'm afraid to disappoint with my inconsistency. Maybe these last few days have been bad days. Hopefully I'll have a brighter point of view soon once again.
✴
2025/10/14 --- Will I ever love as I'm supposed to?
I carry my weight, struggling to find a purpose to keep going, paralyzed by possibilities that would shake my life in an unfathomable way. I'd love to love as freely as the wind, carrying the falling leaves to places they never knew before. Are we leaving just scars? Is it fine that I'm afraid of staying and even more afraid of leaving? There's still joy, I know it, but I keep wondering... will I ever love you as I'm supposed to? As I believe I once did? My back hurts and there's a weird bug bite on the side. And my head hurts, overloading with other life paths I haven't had the strength to explore outside my internal metaphysical realm.
✴
2025/10/13 --- Yesterday it was a very tiring and full day. It was a lot of fun, but didn't have much energy after removing the makeup when I got home. Today I focused my attentions on finishing a book. I wasn't planning to finish it today, but I was too interested to look into the rest of the story, ended up going back to read more. Such an Endeering book. I hate some of the characters, my heart aches for some of them. The book ends in a marriage where the grrom betrayed the bride, made promises he didn't keep. Just found out there's a series based on this book, and I'll devour it when I finish reading all the books from this series. Now, time to rest, I need to wake up early so I can bleach my eyebrows once again.
✴
2025/10/11 --- Tired today. Need to sleep soon so I can take a shower tomorrow before going to vote and going for a makeup/photoshoot session. Really need to go to sleep. I don't really want to, but my head hurts and really needs the rest. I'll write more tomorrow.
✴
2025/10/10 --- It's already 2 AM... got lost in time. I was wondering what will I use as a symbol or something if I do participate in art fairs. I'm thinking a star shaped flower, since I'm naming "sylverblossom" (like the site of course). I do wonder if I'll be able to translate it well. I'm already wondering what I'll do that might envolve silver. I do want to do a tarot deck one day. I want to do stuf that isn't too figurative, so I'm wondering about what I should do not in terms of sellable things, but things that actually align with me. I did some lettering but I feel it's too cutesy for what I want to express I think. Don't want anything too polished. Okay I really need to go rest a bit though.
✴
2025/10/09 --- I've been afraid to leave the house lately. Not that I find my surroundings scary per se, but I can't shake the feeling of uneasiness. Meaninglessness. Hopelessness.
Today I went against it, did a side quest in search of ink and cartidges for my dear pen. Got some purple ink since there wasn't any reds that would safisfy. Ended up walking a lot and decided to go visit a friend that was on her work break. She gave me a deadline to do a drawing for a postcard, since we both want to go to art fairs but I haven't really focused my time and efforts into that. It usually feels daunting. But I did the drawing. It's in the floor right now, together with oil and soft pastels and some textile paints. it was quite messy and the drawing isn't perfect, but it's done. I'm happy about what I did. Hopefully I'll do more soon.
✴
2025/10/08 --- Though I know assumptions might ruin our experience, I still make them. These expectations I have dim the light of all the possibilities of what it could be.
An impossible object or entity is easily created in our minds, without a care of who or what it really is. It is so easy to fall into the mistake of seeing what's around us, what's known and unknown, as a 'mirror' of our design instead of something or someone as a whole, complex, with its qualities and limitations, with an entire life in them. It does feel safer closing ourselves off, though it only opens the gates to more fear and distrust of the other.
That's why when I make that mistake I try to confront myself, even if it would feel painless in the short term to run from that reality. Sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes the inertia is too strong. It doesn't feel effortless to go against it and that scares me.
✴
2025/10/07 --- I have 2 new notebooks to start writting in whatever I want to write, but I'm afraid of doing it. Afraid of starting to write something, start to try something out, a system, and leave it once again, abandoned. I already have too many half written notebooks to sort out. Been trying to finish some but they all feel heavy with broken promises to myself. At least I've been able to end some, and I'm thinking about turning others into junk journals one day. I don't want to leave them abandoned, but getting back to them hurts. Sometimes you do need to feel the pain.
✴
2025/10/06 --- My sister's here, so it's harder to write, to focus on my life. I am now writing this without looking at the keyboard... it is quite hard but I have it mostly decorated. It's am interesting exercise, one of patience. I'm taking my time to find the keys, and it's rewarding to notice how many of them I already know by heart. It is more tiring though, I'm already so sleepy. I'm going to sleep.
✴
2025/10/05 --- Too much noise constantly... Where's the space to breathe in and be in silence? Quiet has been quite unsettling. It's in the silence we can really ponder, and that's something I keep trying to run away from. I don't want to think too much, it will make me aware of my reality, it will leave me with only angst while noticing I'm not living up to who I wanted to be. I already do feel like that quite some times. I need to change.
✴
2025/10/04 --- How fragile and strong is our mind? It is incredible how much we can endure, how much something trivial can ruin us. Our mind is such a delicate ephemeral fabric. I do get regularly worried with the possibility of losing my mind, it is one of my biggest fears. At the same time I know that continuous focus on that fear will only help in being more and more unstable, closer to the reality of that fear. I try to not think much about it, though some days I get caught in a rumination loop. Fortunally that hasn,t happened for a while.
✴
2025/10/03 --- Nothing much to say today. I'm happy I watched a couple movies that I've been planning to watch for a while. And I did finally put the cork board on the wall.I'm a bit lathargic, it was too much cinema. I do want to get back to watch more movies though, as I also want to listen to more music once again and get back to reading. It is more educational and productive compared to losing myself in social medias' algorhythms. I also need to stop procrastinating in terms of using css files. Hopefully one day soon.
✴
2025/10/02 --- It has been hard to stop and breathe in for a while. There's constant worries on my mind, fear of missing a secret piece of a secret puzzle that will solve all the problems that still persist in me. So I keep going through all the paths I can find with no clear objective in mind. There's too much I want to do and too little time to do it. But at the same time I have all the time in the world. I just don't give myself the time to do something worthwhile, and all the paths I decide to go end up being a vast maze I keep trying to run away from, even if I know I could actually take my time in it and it would fulfill me more too. Focus is key. I will have to give myself that time needed to focus one day, can't keep running away like this. This here has been a focus point these last few days. A way to start small, giving a safe space to rekindle the flame that has been dormant. Hopefully soon it will be able to maintain a fire without being as ephemeral and fragile.
✴
2025/10/01 --- Is loving easy? Am I just an heartless fool? A shell of a being that has been lost. I'm not easy to love nor do I love easily, but you're still here by my side. Why? Leaves are continiously falling but there's a stillness in the air that I can't shake.It scares me, it should make me grow but it only grows the angst inside my heart. I'm trying to cling onto something, to see if I get a mirage of who I. am, who I was, but I just keep getting lost in the tracks, wondering how did I even get there. Will this ever end? 8 of wands reversed - slow down, don't be too hasty, there's obstacles if you keep on running. I still wish I could start anew once again. I will start anew once again.
✴
2025.09.30 --- Yesterday couldn't even do the usual planning the day, I was helping a dear friend of mine moving. It was tiring and chaotic but it was a nice day still. Glad I helped her. Writting a bit now in the morning since I didn't write yesterday, I'll come back later in the day too.
And I'm here again. It's already past 2 am of the next day. Should already be in bed. But I'm not, my mind is racing, I'm once again in the shackles of doomscrolling. I'll need to combat that for sure. Okay time to sleep. See you tomorrow ☀
✴
2025.09.28 --- Today was a real resting day. I would like to be more poetic but I don't really have any ideas for it. I'm resisting change, avoiding endings that I'm not ever sure where they are or where should I go or do to get there. Today, just like yesterday, it came the 10 of swords reversed in my daily card. Been doing theese to learn more about tarot and about myself, and I'm not sure how to feel about it. Grateful but it is bittersweet. I want to say fuck off to some people, felt some contempt from them towards me, and that still annoys me. I do try to be always fair and I go get easily paranoid so I prefer to hold my tongue, but there are some things that were surelly annoying me. I don't like someone that feels like they're too cool for something. But maybe I'm jealous because they don't have the need to be kind to everyone. Jealous about that, sad because our vibes didn't align as I wanted, annoyed because I didn't even see a real effort to try to understand the other, and seeing favoritism at play hits a nerve. I wonder if I'm evil for feeling like that, or maybe I'm "nice guy" coded (also bad). I'm not entitled to everyone's kindness and efforts. Maybe I should be more careless, noticing too many details blinds me a bit, sometimes I can't really see the big picture... I don't know. Today is certainly a rambling day. I need to go rest, I'll see you tomorrow ☀
✴
2025.09.27 --- Yesterday I was too tired to say I'd see you tomorrow... Today was resting day, though we didn't rest a lot. There's no way to go back in time. You can't make a broken cup new again, you can only accept it and do something about it. My friend broke a mug I got him a while ago, one that was actually replace one he loved that I broke before. He was heartbroken and sent up a picture of it. Little did he know we had 5 more, since I really loved the shape of them and it was strangely hard to find them. Now we have only 4 of those cups, but with our heart and stomach full, since he wanted to offer dinner to us. Didn't really want anything, just to make him happy. I'm glad he's happy. I decided they'll be official backups for any other broken cup, but hopefully it won't me needed any time soon. I'll see you tomorrow ☀
✴
2025.09.26 --- I am exausted but the dinner went well. I'm so sleepy It's a struggle to write even a word... but I'm happy nonetheless! Made mutabal, some goat cheese and maple syrup pastries and pumpkin and mushroom risotto. Wanted to be a more autumn themed dinner. I think it was indeed nice. Really hope my boyfriend's mother and step-father enjoyed it.
✴
2025.09.25 --- Hey again... Today was a long day, a bit messy in terms of emotions. Wrote a bit about my likes and dislikes to try to find myself once again. My sense of self feels a bit lost with all the doomscrolling, haven't listened to music by myself and watching almost no films nor read, painting and drawing and making music has been a chore in a way, and I certainly have been struggling to be loving and present, so it was a nice way to ground myself. I'll reorganize it in areas/things/vibes one day, but for now here it is (if you want to read it of course!):
my likes: nature in most of it's forms; artistic and creative outlets; authenticity; contrast; harmony; comfy blankets; the sensation of a slight breeze on a warm day; being bathed in sun's light; the sound of tree's leaves twirling with the wind; the sound of the waves crashing into rock formations; petting a chinchilla or a bunny or even a cockatiel or a snake; care and be cared for; the deep red color of both blood and pommegranate seeds; intricate glassware; delicate swords; lace and metal together; knowing I'm important in someone's life; daydreaming; astrology and tarot as it's intriguing how it was created and undertood; the look of leather; the look of rope; messy makeup; something interesting; something intriguing; obsession in the creation of something interesting, especially for devotion (mostly in relation to art); versatility; surprises; a sharp knife; red and burgundy ink pens; equity; love for the other; kindness; curiosity; hope and kindness in the face of cruelty, predice and despair;
my dislikes: hatred; cruelty; fakeness; hierarquies and their enforcement; prejudice; capitalism and overconsumption; feeling so lost and impotent; doomscrolling; seeing how easily hatred proliferates; individualism to the point where you disconnect from the otter; sameness; too much concrete and asfalt; not feeling seen or heard; feeling overlooked or ignored; the texture of a lot of textiles, especially denim and most rugs; fake plants when you can actually have real ones; too much grey or beige with any interest; selfish people;
I'm still going to write the rest, just not today (ended up finishing writing this during the next few days, ending at 29)... I'm too tired at the moment, I'll see you tomorrow*
✴
2025.09.24 --- Hey there, wherever you are. I'm wondering if I'll be able to actually create a rhythm that aligns we me, that motivates me to keep going, some interest appearing hopefully... I don't feel I have any passions at the moment, nothing sparks my interest to the point of obsession, and that certainly worries me. I'm annoyed most of the time with the most vapid things... that also worries me. I don't want to be a shell of myself, but I'm not sure about what I can do... I mean, I do know, but putting it in practice is hard when I value myself enough, and when it's even hard to value anything at all. The day was okay, I'm happy because I did pumpkin risotto, though I neede to add mushrooms, since I didn't roast enough pumpkin. I think I'll cut the pumpkin in slightly smaller bits, since it gives extra flavour. Why do I feel so uninspired at night? Maybe it isn't a constant and I'm just in a bad day. If anyone is reading this... no one is, and I feel free knowing that. It's like being naked in a desert beach in a way I suppose? Never done that, but seems like similar vibes. Perhaps one day I'll try it. I'm going to see if I finally make a moodboard for this fall, I'll see you tomorrow*
✴
2025.09.23 --- Hello again... today I was hoping I'd get more stuff done, but ended up losing myself in the "declutter clothes" part... I do have too many clothes (I mean if isn't a lot lot but enough to be overwhelming) and most of them I don't really love them, though I've learned to making them work for me. It's hard to let something go that you've tried to make it work time and time again... even if you know it isn't the best for you,that actually aligns with who you are... I'll have to make a wardrobe purge and I'm afraid I'll lose something I'll want to have in the future, but letting it go would be for the best. I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to wear when I have an overly full wardrobe, and I need to give space to have room for stuff that I actually really enjoy. I also did a tarot pull today, was planning to do a card a day but something was telling me to see 2 more. So, in order, the Moon reversed, the Page of Pentacles and the Strenght. It was an interesting pull, calling me out on being confused and unfocused and not trusting myself, but also showing bme there's possibility for growth. I'm really enjoying this process, it's giving me space to learn about myself (form another point of view in a way) and about tarot. Hopefully I'll keep that rhythm. Besides that, I made some samples to try out for friday's dinner. My boyfriends' parents are coming here for the first time to dinne with us, so I (we) want to make it special in some way. They were ok, they got overcooked, but they had a nice taste and I already know what design I'll be focusing on. I'll see if I can post pics here soon, it would be fun!! I'll see you tomorrow*
✴
2025.09.22 --- happy fall equidox everyone! I decided I want to start writing here as soon as possible. Decided to start today :) Today was and wasn't great. I did do a lot of stuff but not everything I wanted to do. I did end up doing other stuff that needed to be done, so it's fine. I do need to leave the house more. I feel trapped but it's something I'm doing to myself. Some highligths from today: restarted morning pages, did a plan for focusing on getting my shit together, washed the sofa covers, planned a equinox picnic that ended up not happening, removed the carpet from the living room, went with Chris to Burger King (BOO!!!), went to the river side to do a nocturnal walk, catched some flowers - I just took a branch, and I was surprised by a green sleeping grasshopper, it was so neat... and I did a tarot spread to see how this next season. Now I'm so sleepy, I almost fell asleep while writing this numerous times. It is what is. I'll see you tomorrow ..